I do not feel strong

I am happy to say I am doing well physically. I feel great. I am able to see progress. My transplant pulmonologist suggested I work with a personal trainer to build muscle and gain weight. I meet with my trainer twice a week and I'm already seeing results. I also get to wait a whole 3 months before I follow up with my my transplant pulmonologist, which is a big step up from my previous monthly appointments.

I've been told by others that I am so strong or that I have handled things so well. I appreciate the kind comments, but I feel like I'd be lying if I agreed. Some days I am able to handle things better than others, but to be totally honest the last few weeks have been extremely rough mentally and emotionally. I have been dealing with really bad PTSD. I have been working with my therapist and doing EMDR therapy. Everyday for the last couple weeks something has triggered me and I have burst into tears. Everytime a helicopter flies over my house I need to know if it's a military or medical helicopter. If it's medical I start panicking and flashing back to being in the hospital and watching the helicopters come and go all day long. When cleaning out a drawer I found a notebook I had to write in during part of my stroke and PRES syndrome recovery at St. Francis and all the overwhelming feelings of confusion, fatigue, fear return. All theses feelings come flooding back as if I'm still there in that moment and nothing has changed. When these memories come back I panic, start crying and say, "I don't want to go back". Even typing this causes me to cry and shake.

Most days I do not feel strong. I feel weak. I feel that I have this dark cloud hanging over me. I have decided that even though I have these trials to challenge me, I will continue to look for those moments when sun rays shine down on my face. Those are moments when I get to read bedtime stories to Zoe and then we sit in her bed talking and giggling. Or snuggling with Levi as we watch our favorite tv shows. I am grateful for those little moments that bring joy and create lasting memories.

I still remember and hope to alway remember the days I prayed for the things I have now. Looking back at the last two years I can see how much my life has been blessed with things l have prayed for and wanted more than anything. I hope I can alway show gratitude for all that I have been given.

Having new challenges and trials gives me new opportunities to learn and grow. Somedays I feel like I've had enough opportunities for learning and growth and would really appreciate a break. I'm not sure what Heavenly Father has prepared for me, but I'm excited to find out. I've lived a pretty amazing life.