Mental Health

Levi is out of town this week for work and I was able to have some alone time. Before my stroke and transplant, I always enjoyed company. In fact, I never liked being alone. I aways found somewhere to go or someone to spend time with. Now, I enjoy spending time in silence and often alone. I get overwhelmed and over stimulated easily. I love listening to the sound of my furnace and the different creaks my house makes. I find peace and comfort in the quiet. Levi works from home and I am able to hear the mumbling of his voice when he is on conference calls. That is another comfort for me. These quiet moments help balance me. It's in these moments I feel closest to my dad. At times I feel his presence. He helps give me the courage to continue on my journey.

Music has also helped me. I've always enjoyed singing. It calms me. I also believe it helped me live as long as I did before my transplant. Singing exercised my lungs and brought joy to my heart. After my transplant my voice was very weak and when I spoke it was a quiet whisper. I figured with time and practice I would gain breath control and be singing again. Unfortunately, that has not happened. My voice has gotten a little stronger, but I've worked to about a 5 note range and most of the time I'm off key. While at Stanford I received services to help me, but I became overwhelmed with all my follow up appointments and chose to take a break. The doctors informed me they believe one of my vocal cords was possibly damaged when being intubated. Levi scheduled an appointment for me to see a ear nose throat doctor in March. They mentioned trying botox to wake up my vocal cords. I'm not convinced that will help, but I will see what they have to say and make a decision.

Having my transplant and stroke has really taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I've experienced feelings of frustration, gratitude, disappointment, guilt, confusion, accomplishment, and many more. I've always believed in taking care of my mental help, but didn't know how. A few years ago I started attending therapy for severe anxiety and depression. I had seen a few therapists but it wasn't until I started seeing Michelle that I really started to feel a change for the better. She knows how to work with me. She knows how to help me process and cope with the challenges I've faced and are still facing. I use these coping skills on a regular basis. She knows how hard she can push me. I know if I wasn't already seeing her before my transplant, that I would not have survived mentally. I'm sure I would've had a mental breakdown. Michelle goes above and beyond to help me. She spoke with me over the phone while I was in California and now she comes to my house for sessions so I'm not exposed to germs.

I'm also learning to be comfortable in my own skin again. The steroids have really done a number on me. Besides feeling like I'm constantly vibrating my face has become fat and puffy. I do not like the way I look. I'm hoping when I'm able to reduce my steroid dose that the swelling will come down. My gastroparesis causes my stomach to bloat and I've grown out of all my clothes. I hate having pictures taken of me right now, but feel I should because it shows what I'm experiencing and how I'm earning to cope. Plus, I want to be an example for Zoe.