Roll with the punches

Steroids are wicked. It amazes me how I can feel so many strong emotions within a few short minutes. It's very possible I have been a bit grouchy from having such high doses of steroids being pumped through my body for 3 days. The first 2 days were not too bad, but by the third day I felt awful and may have been impatient and short with my family. I mostly avoided others to prevent myself from possibly being unkind and testy with others. I was grateful to have completed the 3 rounds of steroids on Sunday just in time to attempt to mentally prepare myself for my heart ablation scheduled for the next day.

On Monday, I went to the UofU with Levi and my mom to check another procedure off my to do list. I was really nervous about having the heart ablation because one of the risks is stroke. Been there, done that and I really don't want to do that again. Knowing my track record for low risk, slim chances of those happening have not been in my favor, makes me a little hesitant to get my hopes up.

Waking up from this last procedure was harder than I expected. It was rough. I was expecting some pain and not feeling well, but when I woke I felt as if I had been physically beat up. I woke up feeling this last procedure was harder on me physically, but at least it was over. There was going to be a break now and I would take some time to recover and be on my merry way. Then I overheard the doctors talking. Something had gone wrong. I heard them talking about cardioverting me. What? I had been shocked again? No wonder I felt horrible. Then I overheard the worst thing they could possibly say, they were going to schedule another procedure soon. After going into my arteries they discovered that I was in AFIB, not AFLUTTER. I felt it was all for nothing. Both sides of my groin hurt from having tubes in my arteries. I had to stay flat on my back for 6 hours while they put a lot of pressure on my groin to stop and prevent more bleeding. People were talking and I could not rest or relax. My mind and body could not endure anymore. I mentally checked out and could not process information. I was exhausted but because of the steroids my body could not relax. I was physically shaking. I felt as if I was vibrating and there was nothing I could do about it.

For the next couple days all I could do was stare at the wall and breathe. My mind was not working. I couldn't process what others were saying. It was almost physically impossible to walk. I felt like Marv from Home Alone trying to crawl away after he was electrocuted.

(This GIF perfectly discribes how I felt. I can't stop laughing when I watch this and Levi looks at me like I've gone off the deep end).

As each day passed by I felt a little more relief and was able to make some sense of the things going on around me. My mom always says, "God said, it came to pass, not it came to stay." I jokingly say I must have pushed the pause button. It's here to stay like a bad dream.

I am scheduled to have the AFIB heart ablation on February, 5th. I'm also scheduled to visit Stanford the first week in March to follow up on my lung rejection. I will have another bronchoscopy and I'm hoping to hear good news.

I keep thinking to myself, "How am I able to keep going?" Every time I wake up from another procedure I am surprised that my body could withstand more trauma. The more I think about it the more I see God's hand in it. I know that when my body couldn't take any more, I have physically felt being picked up, dusted off and hugged. I know there are family members on the other side of the veil busily working on God's plan. I have no clue what his plan is for me. In fact, I've stopped trying to know. I have seen and felt things that I have no words to describe them. I am thankful for those experiences because they keep me going. Knowing, as my dad told me, "everything will be okay," keeps me going as well. It brings peace to my heart. I'll keep rolling with the punches. I'm excited for the future (and a little nervous). I'm excited to experience more joy and opportunities. I hope to make the most of it. Life is hard. So for now I will take each moment as it comes and make the most of it.