I believe in miracles

In my life I’ve witnessed miracles great and small. They’ve helped shape me. My extended family has been on my mind lately. Especially my Dad and Grandma Ames. I only spent 18 years with Grandma Ames, 13 with Grandma Cahoon and 10 with Grandpa Cahoon, but I gained so much in those short years.

My Grandpa Cahoon was the strong and silent type that I just felt at peace when I was around him. I still remember the way he smelled. It was a mix of winter mint candy and cigarette smoke. I would ask him for some of his winter mint candies and he would tell me it wasn’t candy but medicine. Then I would ask for medicine and he would inform me they were candy. Perhaps this was his way of saying he didn’t want to share his mint candy but he always gave me some. His calm demeanor helped me to realize I need to live be in the moment.

I watched my Grandma Cahoon deal with Alzheimer’s and the discouragement and frustration that came with it. The exhaustion from being in a constant state of confusion. It helped me have a better understanding of others’ trials. My Grandma Ames could do no wrong in my book. She made me feel as if I was her favorite granddaughter and everything I said and did was perfect. I felt like the most capable and talented person in her eyes. As a child I was a terrible reader, but when I read to her I felt as if reading was simple. My grandma lost my grandpa before I was born and I can’t image the loss and loneliness she felt for 18 years without her companion.

My dad dealt with Lou Gehrig’s disease for about the last 10 years of his life. He started declining and could not walk or care for himself. He never complained. He would get discouraged at times and say few choice words, especially when he would knock things over, but he always had a smile and met his challenges with a positive attitude.

My mother raised seven wild children who gave her several things to worry about. I know all my medical issues have kept her up many nights. She has handled all her trials with a determination to what was best for all of us kids. She is one tough cookie.

These people helped shape me into the person I am today. These are also the same people that helped me through my most trying times of my transplant. They visited me and I felt their presence before, during and after my transplant. They helped give me strength when I had none. After my stroke and all the complications that came with it I was done and had nothing more to give - physically and mentally. Surviving was not worth it and I wanted to home go to Father in Heaven but obviously that was not the plan. I can now say I am thankful I survived. It took me a while to get to that point. I was mad and disappointed that I had to endure more suffering and pain. Hadn’t I been through enough? How much more was required of me? Once I realized I wasn’t going anywhere, I had a choice to make. I could lay there completely stuck emotiomally, physically and mentally or I could move forward. I don’t like to think of it as fighting to progress but I needed to be in the present. It is what it is. I was going to have to work hard and learn all the skills that came easily before. There was no way out unless I worked for it. I had to do it for me, Levi, and Zoe. Life is hard but we can work through it, it will get better, it has to. Once my mind set had changed I found new motivation to do my therapy. I have seen so much progress - to be honest, I am inpatient and it hasn’t come as quickly as I would have liked. But when I look back to a month ago and I am blown away by my progress. Every specialist I have seen since my transplant and stroke have commented that I shouldn’t have progressed so quickly and have no explanation for it. I believe God has a plan for me and this is part of that plan. And I know it’s a miracle I’m alive. I don’t know why I progressed so quickly medically in this life but I’ll take it. I believe with God’s help I will continue to get stronger and gain the strength I had before. It will not be handed to me and I have to put time and hard work into it. It makes me think of one of my favorite quotes by Stephanie Bennett-Henry, “Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” Sometimes we don’t know how tough we are until we have to be. I guess my point is it may not get easier but I have to keep going. I’ve been blessed with great examples of enduring to the end and because of them I can too.