My new heart

I have been able to continue this blog with the help of my good friend, April (who is my scribe). I am extremely grateful for her willingness to do this and help get my thoughts out. I took a little time off from blogging to process the emotions I have been experiencing. The last few weeks I have woken up feeling overwhelmed. I have not had a sense of gratitude for life like I thought I would. I wasn’t aware of myself and surroundings. I was just breathing (living). I was dealing with pain and discouragement. I was exhausted and had nothing left to give. Once I was released from the hospital, my ministering angels swooped in. I have never seen such love and determination from a person like I did from Levi. Every morning he pulled me out of bed, got me ready, and prepared us for the day. He would then go to work staying on top of my medications, appointments and kept everything organized. He also continued to work his full time job from our apartment in California. He had done so much for me and became the greatest example of love and companionship. I married the greatest man I have ever known. Without him I would have given up. My emotions have been all over the place. Some of the emotions include the sense of loss of myself and identity. My heart defect has always defined me. I beat the odds and outlived my life expectancy. I always had a great appreciation for my heart and how hard it worked to keep my body alive. I loved that it was unique and one of a kind. The first time I saw my new heart through the echocardiogram, I was overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. My heart looked completely different. It had a different look, beat and I could feel the different rhythm. My heartbeat had changed and it was unfamiliar to me. It was almost like someone else was in me. When talking about life and living it is associated with the heart. Was I still the same person? This thing inside me was not physically mine. It was a big disconnect for me. One night I lay awake thinking of my donor. I had a sense of guilt that I was given another chance at life and not my donor. Why me? I am not any better or more deserving than them. I still do not have the answers for that question and probably never will. I do know that at that moment I felt a huge sense of gratitude that someone and their family had given me a huge gift on the night of May 5th. I was given life. I know without a doubt if I had not received these organs, within a week or so, I would have died. I like to think of my heart and lungs as if they are on loan. For some reason I’ve been given this chance to continue raising my daughter on this earth. I will be forever grateful for that. My donor and family are continuously in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine the pain and loss they have experienced. I hope to one day personally thank them. This has given me a new motivation in life and I don’t mean playing and experiencing all life has to offer (and there will be plenty of that) but to share my experiences to help others lighten their loads. I pray I can be guided to those new opportunities and recognize them. Life is good and it will only get better.