All The Feels

This past week, I have experienced many emotions. Each day had its ups and downs. When I received the call from Stanford, I was extremely frustrated that I burst into tears. I told Levi that they should have requested the liver biopsy and liver ultrasound before I had made my visit to Stanford. My liver being enlarged last August through October was communicated with Stanford from the beginning.

I started contacting my doctors office to schedule the procedures and was again discouraged by how slowly the orders were submitted and then with scheduling staff that redirected my calls many times to locate the proper scheduler who then was very unkind to me each time I spoke with her. I dreaded future conversations with this scheduler. I felt as if no one cared that I could not proceed forward with the transplant process without these completed procedures. I started to feel a little hopeless. I became angry with the scheduler for not being willing to help me resolve the miscommunications on the procedure orders.

When I am this frustrated, I tend to isolate myself, become quiet and focus on checking items off my lists. It's always nice to get a few things done, but at the same time it's not the best idea to kind of shut down. I can not enjoy creating things during this time because I just want them done and the ideas do not flow through my mind as easily, so I put aside all my projects which are very therapeutic for me.

I had several friends who understood my frustrations, but one sent me a message that stood out to me. I was very thankful for this message. It said, "It's okay to be mad. Just don't let it fester, you know?" She was so right. I may have let it fester a little longer than I should have, but it made me think that this process is long and I have no control. I can do as much as I am able to and then I must trust the Lord to help others do their part.

I came across a conference talk called, Three Sisters by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It talked about each sister and their experience with being mad, sad and glad. I could relate to each sister. I recommend reading it if you have a minute.

This quote from the conference talk stuck out to me. "There may be many things about life that are beyond your control. But in the end, you have the power to choose both your destination and many of your experiences along the way. It is not so much your abilities but your choices that make the difference in life." I can choose to be happy and look for the good. I can choose to be thankful for the progress that has been made on the transplant process thus far.

On Tuesday, March 13th, I received an unexpected call from a different scheduler who said he was calling to schedule my ultrasound guided liver biopsy. Oh, Happy Day! Even better news was that they could fit me in the next day on Wednesday, March 14th. I'm so thankful for Levi's work for being so accommodating and allowing Levi the time off in such short notice.

We made it to the hospital and the procedure went smoothly. They gave me IV pain meds and numbed the area around my liver. Using ultrasound they guided a large needle into my liver and took 3 samples. They applied pressure on my entry wound for 10 minutes. I would claim applying the pressure as the most painful part of the procedure.

I was admitted for 3 hours to watch for signs of bleeding. My favorite part was the forced-air heating blanket. I need one of these at home. It's the best invention ever. While resting, the unkind scheduler called and left a message on my cell phone to schedule my liver biopsy. At that point, all I could do was giggle.

They gave me pain meds which helped greatly. I felt as if I was punched in the stomach and I also had pain in my back.

The next day, Thursday, March 15th, I had less pain when I woke up. I started laundry and changed out the take home reader books at Zoe's school. I'm pretty sure I over did it, because my stomach was bloated and very painful that night.

On Thursday, I was able to take off my heart monitor that I had been wearing for 2 weeks and sent it back. I also removed my liver biopsy bandages. There was a big sense of freedom from all things attached to my body.

Friday, March 16th, Zoe and I slept in. I woke up with minimal pain and I started making a list of items I need to finish collecting for my Stanford hospital bag. I started updating my blog and then intense pains in my back and stomach came on pretty quickly. I took Tylenol and laid in bed. The pains were so bad that I called my doctor and they told me to head over to the ER.

It's pretty sad when the ER employees recognize you. However, I really appreciate their kindness and familiar faces. I was given pain meds and after blood tests and a CT scan, it was discovered that I was bleeding in my liver. They talked with the doctor who performed the liver biopsy and it was decided that the bleeding was not severe enough and I was able to go home. They said my pain would continue for a few more days.

These two pictured above are my biggest supporters. I'm thankful for their company while at the ER. I'm beyond blessed to have them in my life. Today Zoe told me she's my biggest fan. That made my mama heart happy.

After all the adventures from the past week, I was able to see so many tender mercies that have humbled me and helped me recognize God's love for me. I would like to share a few of these tender mercies with anyone reading this.

• I had stopped by my sister's work and several of the staff recognized me and said they were following my blog. They shared words of encouragement and told me I had a whole group of supporters there. I never realized how many people I have never met who are reading my blog, praying for me, and hoping the best for me. That was so humbling and heartwarming to me.

• My sister shared an experience at church where children as young as 4 years old said, "Sister Schmidt, we're hoping your sister gets everything she needs." I've heard of children in my neighborhood who have told Zoe they are praying for me and our family. I've also had other children who know our family, ask if I'm feeling better. It has brought me to tears thinking of these young beautiful children with so much love in their hearts showing concern for my family.

• One night when I was really struggling, I prayed asking for any kind of help Heavenly Father could send me. I closed my prayer and laid in bed. After a few minutes, I felt as if someone was hugging me and as if a voice whispered to me. I knew it was my dad. I realized I have many family member and friends in Heaven who are supporting me and giving me courage to continue.

I would not be able to continue on this path if it wasn't for all the love and support my family and I have received. I have seen so many examples of Christ-like love. There is so much good in this world. I want to thank everyone who has sent positive thoughts, prays, and shared words of encouragement. I needed them. I have experienced just about every feeling possible this week, but the one that stood out the most is love. I felt love from my Heavenly Father, family and friends in Heaven, family and friends on Earth and strangers who I now consider my friends. I hope to meet many more followers.

God is good. He loves me and he loves you. I pray that if anyone reading this feels alone...pray. He will answer you. It may not be the way you expect to be answered. Keep yourself open and alert to who and what Heavenly Father is sending to help answer those prayers.

So what is next for me? I was misinformed about the liver biopsy and liver ultrasound being completed at the same time so, my liver ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, March 22nd. Then all the test results should be sent to Stanford and they will meet again on a Tuesday and I will get another update. I would love to hear an update by March 27th. Please continue to pray for my family and transplant team.