This is really hard

This is a tough post for me to write. It is very hard for me to be vulnerable or admit when I'm feeling weak. The past few weeks have been rough, especially this last week.

I became really sick with a respiratory infection over the Christmas break. Every time I coughed it felt as if bandaids were being ripped off the inside of my lungs. My cardiologist put me on a 10 day antibiotic. After a week I started to feel better and saw improvements. A few days after I finished the antibiotic, I noticed some of my symptoms were returning. On Friday, January 19th I went to my primary giver doctor and she prescribed a very strong antibiotic and scheduled a follow up appointment for me on Monday, January 22. The night before my appointment I woke up in the middle of the night feeling awful. I laid in bed and cried. I refused to wake up Levi because I did not want to go to the ER. In the morning Levi took me to my follow up appointment because I felt too weak to go myself. While at the appointment I burst into tears and was unable to control my emotions. My doctor suggested I go to the ER and be admitted to the hospital for a couple days to help stabilize me. My stats were my normal and I didn't want to go because I knew there is nothing they can do for me except watch me breath. My doctor called my cardiologist and he said he would make time to see me. I met with Dr. Poku and I could just see the concern in his face. He thinks I may have a virus infection that is just making body work so hard that it is just exhausted. He told me I could go home if I rested and did nothing.

I've really tried hard to rest. I did nothing on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday my friend took me to run one easy errand and then we met up with my mom for lunch. I was worn out by the time I got home. Thursday I had more strength and decided to clean the mirrors, counters and toilets in my bathrooms before a couple friends came over and cleaned my house. Yesterday, Friday morning I was completely worn out and had difficulty sitting up because of pure exhaustion. Last night I completely broke down. All I could do was cry.

I feel like I've let Levi and Zoe down. I've been so exhausted, impatient and grouchy that I feel like the worst mother. I feel terrible because I can't do things to maintain my house. I'm so tired that sewing and quilting have become exhausting. It's extremely discouraging to think this will go on for months and probably get worse before a donor and transplant become available.

I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep fighting. I have to for Zoe. She needs me. But this is really hard. I am truly grateful that I still have this time on earth and with my family. I am beyond grateful for friends and family, who have their own trials and struggles they are dealing with and still step in and help me out. I am beyond blessed and loved by so many and they help me to keep going. I will never be able to repay them and hope they know how grateful I am. For now, I ask for continued prayers of strength.